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 Post subject: Short Story for crit
PostPosted: Sun Dec 19, 2010 5:10 pm 
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Just last night I made this short story but somethings lacking in it. I'm not sure what. Any advise would be appreciated.


Splashes echoed through out the place as Melisa ran, followed by deep uneven breaths. It was cold and damp with water leaks everywhere, with an occasional flicker of lights and sparks before going out again. The place was like a maze as Melisa turned at repeated corners. Her own frequent breathing seemed to come from else where as she constantly glimpsed behind her shoulder. Melisa's heart pounded against her chest as she hoped it couldn't be heard.Her shoes were soaked and so cold, she had no feeling in her feet. She was starting to loose her legs as well as water splashed up from her clomping feet. But fear kept her going. That man could be anywhere. He seemed to be right behind her, breathing her down. But he's never there when she looks.

Halting, Melisa's breath escapes her as is if it was knocked out of her. What was only ten feet away, barely noticeable in the dark was the man she was running from. Tall with a dark hooded cape. Melisa thought for sure there wouldn't be a person who couldn't hear her pounding chest right now. But the hooded man had his back turned, oblivious to her. She takes a step backwards and something almost makes her trip as she stepped on it.

Slowly reaching down, Melisa doesn't take her eyes off the man for a second. But he just stands there not making a single movement. silly goose her fingers around a thin metal object, Melisa slowly lifts up a club. The man still hasn't moved an inch. Licking her parched lips even though the air was moist, Melisa positioned the club over her head ready to strike.
Slowly and quietly as possible, Melisa took one step forward. As if an alarm went off, she stepped into a puddle as it splashed. Melisa charged towards the man's back knowing its now or never. With a definite swing and yell, boxes spilled to the floor with the dark cape.

Icy fingers wrapped around Melisa's throat and club, pulling her into a tight embrace. She tried to struggle, but it was useless. Screaming wouldn't have done anything even if she could. Black spots began to cover the most of her vision as he tightened his hold on her throat. His breath was just as cold as his hands as he whispered into her ear.

"No more games."


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 Post subject: Re: Short Story for crit
PostPosted: Mon Dec 20, 2010 2:26 pm 
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Brain132 wrote:
Just last night I made this short story but somethings lacking in it. I'm not sure what. Any advise would be appreciated.


Splashes echoed through out the place as Melisa ran, followed by deep uneven breaths. It was cold and damp with water leaks everywhere, with an occasional flicker of lights and sparks before going out again. The place was like a maze as Melisa turned at repeated corners. Her own frequent breathing seemed to come from else where as she constantly glimpsed behind her shoulder. Melisa's heart pounded against her chest as she hoped it couldn't be heard.Her shoes were soaked and so cold, she had no feeling in her feet. She was starting to loose her legs as well as water splashed up from her clomping feet. But fear kept her going. That man could be anywhere. He seemed to be right behind her, breathing her down. But he's never there when she looks.

Halting, Melisa's breath escapes her as is if it was knocked out of her. What was only ten feet away, barely noticeable in the dark was the man she was running from. Tall with a dark hooded cape. Melisa thought for sure there wouldn't be a person who couldn't hear her pounding chest right now. But the hooded man had his back turned, oblivious to her. She takes a step backwards and something almost makes her trip as she stepped on it.

Slowly reaching down, Melisa doesn't take her eyes off the man for a second. But he just stands there not making a single movement. silly goose her fingers around a thin metal object, Melisa slowly lifts up a club. The man still hasn't moved an inch. Licking her parched lips even though the air was moist, Melisa positioned the club over her head ready to strike.
Slowly and quietly as possible, Melisa took one step forward. As if an alarm went off, she stepped into a puddle as it splashed. Melisa charged towards the man's back knowing its now or never. With a definite swing and yell, boxes spilled to the floor with the dark cape.

Icy fingers wrapped around Melisa's throat and club, pulling her into a tight embrace. She tried to struggle, but it was useless. Screaming wouldn't have done anything even if she could. Black spots began to cover the most of her vision as he tightened his hold on her throat. His breath was just as cold as his hands as he whispered into her ear.

"No more games."


nice... sounds to me more like deep story... u should try to write it =). Also just reading that doesnt tell anything to the reader... some glance at the plot of the history would be cool ^^

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 Post subject: Re: Short Story for crit
PostPosted: Mon Dec 20, 2010 3:57 pm 
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Brain132 wrote:
Splashes echoed through out the place as Melisa ran, followed by deep uneven breaths. This is unclear because of the word order. It sounds like Melisa is being followed by deep uneven breaths, which is a queer image. Rewrite to "Splashes echoed throughout the place, followed by deep uneven breaths, as Melisa ran. It was cold and damp with water leaks everywhere, with an occasional flicker of lights and sparks before going out again This is queer because you go from describing the sense of touch to the sense of sight. 'Cold' and 'damp' are things you feel; lights and sparks are things you see.. The place was like a maze as Melisa turned at repeated corners. The place being like a maze is not an event; it cannot happen at the same time as her turning corners. Her own frequent breathing seemed to come from else where as she constantly glimpsed behind her shoulder. Only as she glimpsed behind her shoulder? Did it stop when she stopped glimpsing? I also think you mean 'glanced'. Too many adverbs - they clog up the piece for no benefit. Melisa's heart pounded against her chest as she hoped it couldn't be heard.Same problem as before. Her shoes were soaked and so cold, she had no feeling in her feet. So cold that she had no feeling in her feet. She was starting to loose lose her legs as well Lose sensation in her legs, surely? Her legs aren't dropping off, right? as water splashed up from her clomping Clomping? feet. But fear kept her going. That man could be anywhere. He seemed to be right behind her, breathing her down Breathing her down? That doesn't make sense.. But he's never there when she looks. Sudden change of tense.
Too many adjectives and adverbs for an action scene; they tend to slow the pace of a paragraph.
Halting, Melisa's breath escapes her as is if it was knocked out of her. As if it were: it's the subjunctive tense - and you switched tense mid-sentence. What was only ten feet away, barely noticeable in the dark insert comma here, that's a subordinate clause was the man she was running from. Tall with a dark hooded cape. Not a full sentence: no object. Melisa thought for sure there wouldn't be a person who couldn't hear her pounding chest right now awkward. But the hooded man had his back turned, oblivious to her. She takes a step backwards and No need to join these two sentences, it makes it awkward when you do. something almost makes her trip as she stepped on it. Change of tense again.

Slowly reaching down, Melisa doesn't take her eyes off the man for a second. But he just stands there not making a single movement. Starting sentence with a preposition. silly goose her fingers around a thin metal object, Melisa slowly lifts up a club. The man still hasn't moved an inch. Licking her parched lips even though the air was moist, Melisa positioned the club over her head ready to strike.
Slowly and quietly as possible, Melisa took one step forward. As as though if an alarm went had gone, not went off, she stepped into a puddle as it splashed. Passive voice, no connection between the two events. Melisa charged towards the man's back knowing its Knowing it was; more tense problems. now or never. With a definite swing and yell, boxes spilled to the floor with the dark cape. Boxes? What boxes?

Icy fingers wrapped around Melisa's throat and club, pulling her into a tight embrace. An embrace isn't a stranglehold. She tried to struggle, but it was useless. Screaming wouldn't have done anything even if she could. Weird word order. Black spots began to cover the get rid of 'the' most of her vision as he tightened his hold on her throat. His breath was just just not needed as cold as his hands as he whispered into her ear.

"No more games."


Crits in red.

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 Post subject: Re: Short Story for crit
PostPosted: Mon Dec 20, 2010 5:09 pm 
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Quote:
nice... sounds to me more like deep story... u should try to write it =). Also just reading that doesnt tell anything to the reader... some glance at the plot of the history would be cool ^^

Thanks. I've been thinking that it would make a good prologue actually. I'm not sure if I'll make it into a story though. And what exactly would you mean by plot of the history?

Thanks for the crits Del. I'll make the corrections then post again. :) Oh. And the boxes came from underneath the cape. Its was just a decoy.

Edit: Whats the correction that need to be made on this sentence?
Quote:
Melisa's heart pounded against her chest as she hoped it couldn't be heard.Same problem as before.


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 Post subject: Re: Short Story for crit
PostPosted: Mon Dec 20, 2010 5:36 pm 
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Brain132 wrote:
Thanks for the crits Del. I'll make the corrections then post again. :) Oh. And the boxes came from underneath the cape. Its was just a decoy.

That was my point. If I don't know from whence the boxes come and why, how on earth is a reader, who won't be reading it as analytically or as closely as me, supposed to guess?

Brain132 wrote:
Edit: Whats the correction that need to be made on this sentence?
Quote:
Melisa's heart pounded against her chest as she hoped it couldn't be heard.Same problem as before.

It's unclear whether the as is being used like 'because' or like 'simultaneously to'. If it's the former, it's very unusual; if the latter, the temporal location of it is odd, because it makes it sound as though her heart is pounding against her chest only when she hopes it can't be heard.

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 Post subject: Re: Short Story for crit
PostPosted: Mon Dec 20, 2010 5:51 pm 
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Okay, here is the corrected version. Some things are still in red that I wasn't sure about how to change.

Splashes echoed throughout the place, followed by deep uneven breaths, as Melisa ran. It was cold and damp with water leaks everywhere. An occasional flicker of lights would light the place up with sparks before going out again The place was like a maze. Melisa turned at repeated corners, wondering if she would ever make it out. The place had its own haunted feeling as her own frequent breathing echoed, seeming to come from elsewhere as she constantly glanced behind her shoulder. Melisa's heart pounded against her chest so frantically she thought she could hear it. Her shoes were soaked and so cold that she had no feeling in her feet. She was starting to lose the sensation in her legs as well as water splashed up from her clomping feet. But fear kept her going. That man could be anywhere.
Too many adjectives and adverbs for an action scene; they tend to slow the pace of a paragraph.
Halting, Melisa's breath escapes her as is if it were knocked out of her. What was only ten feet away, barely noticeable in the dark, was the man she was running from. Tall with a dark hooded cape, he just stood there. Melisa thought for sure there wouldn't be a person who couldn't hear her pounding heart right now. But the hooded man had his back turned, oblivious to her. She takes a step backwards hoping to remain unnoticed. Placing her heel on something, she nearly tripped but regained balance. (pathetic sentence. Any ideas?)

Slowly reaching down, Melisa doesn't take her eyes off the man for a second. But he just stands there not making a single movement. Wrapping her fingers around a thin metal object, Melisa slowly lifts up a club. The man still hasn't moved an inch. Licking her parched lips even though the air was moist, Melisa positioned the club over her head ready to strike.
Slowly and quietly as possible, Melisa took one step forward. As though an alarm had gone off, she stepped into a puddle as it splashed. Passive voice, no connection between the two events. Melisa charged towards the man's back knowing it was now or never. With a definite swing and yell, boxes spilled to the floor that were underneath the cape.

Icy fingers wrapped around Melisa's throat and club, holding her tightly against her.. She tried to struggle, but it was useless. Screaming wouldn't have done anything even if she could. Weird word order. Black spots began to get rid of the most of her vision as he tightened his hold on her throat.

Bending towards her ear, he whispered roughly, "No more games."


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 Post subject: Re: Short Story for crit
PostPosted: Mon Dec 20, 2010 7:17 pm 
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I've edited it to what I think would sound better; some of the crits I'd make now are easier to show you rather than attempt to explain. Some of it is totally different, but I've tried to remain faithful to the original wherever possible.

Quote:
Splashes echoed throughout the place, followed by deep uneven breaths, as Melisa ran. It was cold and damp, with water leaks everywhere. An occasional flicker would light the place up with sparks before plunging it back into darkness. The place was like a maze. Melisa turned at repeated corners, wondering if she would ever make it out. The place had its own haunted feeling; her own frequent breathing echoed all around, seeming to come from elsewhere. She glanced behind her, but there was nothing. Always nothing. Melisa's heart pounded against her chest so frantically she thought she could hear it. Her feet were soaked and so cold that she had no feeling in her feet or lower legs. Sensation had drained away into the icy water. But fear kept her going. That man could have been anywhere.
Halting, Melisa's breath escaped her as if she had been punched in the gut. Only ten feet away, barely noticeable in the dark, was the man she was running from. He was tall with a dark, hooded cape. Melisa had expected him to move but he just stood there. Her heart was drumming in her ears, so loudly that she was sure it would give her away. But the hooded man had his back turned, oblivious to her. She took a step backwards, hoping to remain unnoticed, and stumbled - not loudly enough to alert him.

Melisa reached down, eyes fixed on the rigid shape of the man, half expecting him to turn on her. He remained rigid. She took the club just below the surface of the fetid water. He still didn't move. She raised the club and, as slowly and quietly as possible, stepped forward. Straight into a puddle: the splash made her flinch. Melisa swung the club downwards and the boxes beneath the cloak clattered onto the floor. That was no man.

Icy fingers wrapped around Melisa's throat. She tried to struggle, but it was useless. Even if she could have made a sound, it would have fallen on deaf ears. There was no air, no air anywhere, nowhere was there air. Air. All she wanted was air. Just one breath of air. Something to stave off the darkness falling over her vision. Just one breath - just one...

Just before she passed out, she heard the voice: "No more games."

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 Post subject: Re: Short Story for crit
PostPosted: Tue Dec 21, 2010 11:27 am 
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Thanks. I'll look into this. Its lacking my style here and there so I'll be posting again with your changes and some of mine sometime.


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 Post subject: Re: Short Story for crit
PostPosted: Sun Jan 23, 2011 1:13 pm 
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Sorry for taking so long. I kept most of the changes you made, and reworded some of them Del.



Splashes echoed throughout the place, followed by deep uneven breaths, as Melisa ran. It was cold and damp with water leaks everywhere. An occasional flicker of lights would light the place up with sparks before plunging it back into darkness.The place was like a maze. Melisa turned at repeated corners, wondering if she would ever make it out. The place had its own haunted feeling as her own frequent breathing echoed, seeming to come from elsewhere as she constantly glanced behind herself Always seeing nothing. Melisa's heart pounded against her chest so frantically she thought she could hear it. Her shoes were soaked and so cold that she had no feeling in her feet or lower legs. Sensation ahd drained into the icy water.But fear kept her going. That man could be anywhere.

Halting, Melisa's breath escaped her as is if she had been punched in the gut. Only ten feet away, barely noticeable in the dark, was the man she was running from. He was tall with a dark hooded cape. Melissa expected him to turn on the spot, but he just stood there. Her heart was drumming in her ears, so loudly that she was sure it would give her away. But the hooded man had his back turned, oblivious to her. She took a step backwards hoping to remain unnoticed, and stumbled over a round object - not loud enough to alert him.

Melisa reached down, eyes fixed on the rigid shape of the man, half expecting him to turn on her. He remained rigid. Wrapping her fingers around a thin metal object, Melisa slowly lifts up a club. The man still didn’t move. Licking her parched lips even though the air was moist, Melisa positioned the club over her head ready to strike.
Slowly and quietly as possible, Melisa took one step forward. Straight into a puddle: the splash made her flinch. Melisa charged towards the man's back knowing it was now or never. With a definite swing and yell, as boxes spilled to the floor that were underneath the cape. There was no man.

Icy fingers wrapped around Melisa's throat. She tried to struggle, but it was useless. Even if she could have made a sound, it would only fall to death ears. There was no air, no air anywhere, nowhere was there air. Air. All she wanted was air. Just one breath of air. Something to stave off the darkness falling over her vision. Just one breath – just one…

Just before she passed out, she heard, “No more games.”







Really like the changes you made Del. I tried to put it in to where it was my style, but the last part about air, I couldn't think of anything better to put, so I kept what you had.


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